This survey is intended to help those of us who are atheists to better understand religious people. I thank you in advance for taking your valuable time away from prayer and self-abnegation to answer the following questions:
1 )Which god(s) do you believe in? (Check off as many as applicable _____ Yahweh _____ Jehovah _____ Allah _____ Jesus Christ _____ Holy Spirit _____ Krishna, Shiva and/or Vishnu _____Odin _____ Quetzalcoatl _____ Osiris, Isis, and/or Horus _____ Zeus and/or the Greek pantheon _____ Jupiter, and/or the Roman pantheon _____ Thor _____ Brahma _____ Gaia/ Mother Earth _____ Satan/ Lucifer/ Beelzebub/ Scratch _____ All-knowing, all-powerful god ____ Invisible, indescribable god _____ The Great Spirit _____ The Almighty Dollar _____ Other (please fill in the name of your particular deity, if known) ____ I don’t know what I believe in , but I know it’s true anyway
2) How did you find out about your particular god? _____ The Bible _____ The Qu’ran_____ The Bhagavad-Gita_____ The Upanishads _____ The Book of Mormon _____ The Vedas _____ The Torah_____ The I-Ching _____ The Dead Sea Scrolls _____ Near Death Experience _____ National Public Radio ____ Attending session of Congress _____ Listening to Republicans_____ Family member or friend_____ Enemy _____ Unwashed stranger _____ Tabloids _____ Saw burning bush _____ Saw god’s backside or other invisible body part _____ Excessive sleep deprivation _____ Alcoholic DT_____ Hallucinogenic mushrooms or other mind-altering drug
3) Which of the following best describes your god(s)? (Choose as many as applicable) _____ Never visible but always there (voyeur god) _____ Never visible but loving and comforting (sugar-daddy god) _____ Never visible when no drugs/alcohol are available (hallucinating god) _____ No physical nature but is nonetheless everywhere (busybody god) _____ No physical nature but is nonetheless all-powerful (superman god) _____ No physical brain but is nonetheless all-intelligent (brainless god) _____ Possesses physical nature (please use separate sheet to list all visible attributes) _____ Other contradictory attributes (please use separate sheet)
4) What does your god demand of you? (Check off all that apply) _____ Unquestioning obedience ____ Unquestioning love _____ Human sacrifices _____ Blood sacrifices _____ Animal sacrifices _____ Virgin sacrifices _____ Other sacrifices (please list on a separate sheet) _____ Burnt offerings _____ First-born son _____ Total abandonment of reason and independent thought on church day _____ Total abandonment of reason and independent thought at all times
5) What were some of the other reasons influencing your decision to believe in your god? (Check off all that apply) _____ Fear of death _____ Fear of life _____ Fear of thinking for myself _____ Fear of myself_____ Fear of my sinful sex organs _____ Fear of other people’s sinful sex organs _____ General fear of sex _____ Fear of everything (if so, have you considered becoming a monk or nun?) ____yes ____no
_____ Hate myself _____ Hate others _____ Hate being responsible _____ Hate life _____ Love boring sermons _____ Love boring and/or brain-dead people _____ Love boring music _____ Love lying to myself in the name of faith _____ Love televangelist’s makeup _____ Love choirboys
6) Please list all other sources of spiritual inspiration and/or magical thinking: _____ Tarot cards _____ Palmistry _____ Tea leaves _____ Fortune cookies _____ Astrology _____ Crystals _____ Psychic Friends Network _____ UFOs and/or alien abductions _____ ESP _____ EST _____ Biorhythms _____ Tour of Vatican City _____ Tour of Graceland _____ Books on Christian apologetics _____ Listening to Christian talk radio _____ Listening to the Republican Party Leaders _____ The Lottery _____The Institute for Creation Research _____ Self-abuse and/or torture _____ Contemplation of my navel _____ Contemplation of someone else’s navel _____ Contemplation of other body parts (please list on a separate sheet) _____ The promise of the imminent return of Jesus, Elvis, or other cult figure _____ Image of my god appearing on a tortilla strip or other unlikely location _____ Listening to acid rock albums backward for Satanic influence
7) Please describe in detail all the actions taken by your god during the worst crisis in your life. (Please use separate sheet). Note: Silently listening while you pray, cry and complain is not an action on god’s part.
Thank you for taking the time to respond to this survey. Your candid responses will enable us to better understand the deep recesses of the religious brain where fantasy reigns supreme.